I tightened the belt on my robe. “I’m going to get
dressed and go.”
“What?” Gideon glared. “Go where?”
“Home,” I said, weary to the bone. “I think you
need to digest all this.”
His arms crossed. “We can do that together.”
“I don’t think we can.” My chin lifted, grief
overwhelming my shame and heartrending
disappointment. “Not while you’re looking at me
like you feel sorry for me.”
“I’m not made of fucking stone, Eva. I wouldn’t
be human if I didn’t care.”
The emotions I’d run through since lunch
coalesced into a searing pain in my chest and a
cleansing burst of anger. “I don’t want your
goddamn pity.”
He shoved both hands through his hair. “What
the hell do you want, then?”
“You! I want you.”
“You have me. How many times do I have to tell
you that?”
“Your words don’t mean shit when you can’t
back them up. From the moment we met, you’ve
been hot for me. You haven’t been able to look at
me without making it damn clear you want to fuck
my brains out. And that’s gone, Gideon.” My eyes
burned. “That look…it’s gone.”
“You can’t be serious.” He stared at me as if I’d
grown two heads.
“I don’t think you know how your desire makes
me feel.” My arms wrapped around me, covering
my breasts. I suddenly felt naked in the worst way.
“It makes me feel beautiful. It makes me feel
strong and alive. I—I can’t bear to be with you if
you don’t feel that way about me anymore.”
“Eva, I…” His voice faded into silence. He was
hard-faced and distant, his fists clenched at his
sides.
I loosened the sash of my robe and shrugged
the whole garment off me. “Look at me, Gideon.
Look at my body. It’s the same one you couldn’t
get enough of last night. The same one you were
so desperate to get into that you took me to that
damn hotel room. If you don’t want this anymore…
if you don’t get hard looking at it—”
“Is this hard enough for you?” He broke the
drawstring of his pants pushing them down to
expose the heavy, thickly-veined length of his
erection.
We both lunged at the same time, colliding. Our
mouths slid over each other as he lifted me to
wrap my legs around his hips. He stumbled to the
couch and fell, catching our combined weight with
one outstretched hand.
I sprawled beneath him, breathless and
sobbing, while he slid to his knees on the floor
and tongued my cleft. He was rough and
impatient, lacking the finesse I’d become used to,
and I loved that he was. Loved it more when he
levered over me and shoved his cock into me. I
wasn’t yet fully wet and the burn made me gasp,
then his thumb was on my clit, rubbing in circles
that had my hips churning.
“Yes,” I moaned, raking my nails down his back.
He wasn’t icy anymore. He was on fire. “Fuck me,
Gideon. Fuck me hard.”
“Eva.” His mouth covered mine. He fisted my
hair, holding me still as he lunged again and
again, pounding hard and deep. He kicked off the
armrest with one foot, powering into me, driving
toward his orgasm with single-minded ferocity.
“Mine…mine…mine…”
The rhythmic slap of his heavy balls against the
curve of my buttocks and the harshness of his
possessive litany drove me insane with lust. I felt
myself quickening with every twinge of pain, felt
my sex tightening with my growing arousal.
With a long, guttural groan he started coming,
his flexing body quaking as he emptied himself
inside me.
I held him as he climaxed, stroking his back,
pressing kisses along his shoulder.
“Hold on,” he said roughly, pushing his hands
beneath me and flattening my breasts against
him.
Gideon pulled me up, and then sat down with
me straddling his hips. I was slick from his
orgasm, making it easy for him to push back
inside me.
His hands brushed the hair away from my face;
then wiped my tears of relief. “I’m always hard for
you, always hot for you. I’m always half-crazy with
wanting you. If anything could change that, I
would’ve done it before we got this far.
Understand?”
My hands wrapped around his wrists. “Yes.”
“Now, show me that you still want me after that.”
His face was flushed and damp, his eyes dark
and turbulent. “I need to know that losing control
doesn’t mean I’ve lost you.”
I pulled his palms from my face and urged them
down to my breasts. When he cupped them, I
splayed my hands on his shoulders and rocked
my hips. He was semi-hard, yet quickly thickened
as I began to undulate. His fingers on my nipples,
rolling and tugging, sent waves of pleasure
through me, the gentle stimulation arrowing to my
core. When he urged me closer and took a
hardened tip in his mouth I cried out, my body
igniting with need for more.
Clenching my thighs, I lifted. I closed my eyes to
focus on the way he felt as he slid out; then bit my
lip at the way he stretched me sliding back in.
“That’s it,” he murmured, licking across my
chest to my other nipple, fluttering his tongue over
the tight, aching tip. “Come for me. I need you to
come riding my cock.”
Rolling my hips, I relished the exquisite feel of
him filling me so perfectly. I had no shame, no
regrets as I worked myself into a frenzy on his stiff
penis, adjusting the angle so that the thick crown
rubbed right where I needed it.
“Gideon,” I breathed. “Oh, yes…oh please…”
“You’re so beautiful.” He gripped the back of my
neck in one hand and my waist in the other,
arching his hips to push a little deeper. “So sexy.
I’m going to come for you again. That’s what you
do to me, Eva. It’s never enough.”
I whimpered as everything tightened, as the
sweet tension built from the deep rhythmic
strokes. I was panting and frantic, pumping my
hips. Reaching between my legs, I rubbed my clit
with the pads of my fingers, hastening my climax.
He gasped, his head thrown back into the sofa
cushion, his neck corded with strain. “I feel you
getting ready to come. Your cunt gets so hot and
tight, so greedy.”
His words and his voice pushed me over. I
cried out when the first hard tremor hit me; then
again as the orgasm rippled through my body, my
sex spasming around Gideon’s steely erection.
Teeth grinding audibly, he held on until the
clenches began to fade; then he clutched my hips
aloft and pumped upward into me. Once, twice.
On the third deep thrust, he growled my name and
spurted hotly, laying the last of my fears and
doubts to rest.
I don’t know how long we sprawled on the couch
like that, connected and close, my head on his
shoulder and his hands caressing the curve of my
spine.
Gideon pressed his lips to my temple and
murmured, “Stay.”
“Yes.”
He hugged me. “You’re so brave, Eva. So
strong and honest. You’re a miracle. My miracle.”
“A miracle of modern therapy, maybe,” I
scoffed, my fingers playing in his luxuriant hair.
“And even with that, I was really fucked up for a
while and there are still some triggers I don’t think
I’ll ever get past.”
“God. The way I came on to you in the
beginning…I could’ve ruined us before we even
got started. And the advocacy dinner—” He
shuddered and buried his face in my neck. “Eva,
don’t let me blow this. Don’t let me chase you
away.”
Lifting my head, I searched his face. He was
impossibly gorgeous. I had trouble taking it in at
times. “You can’t second-guess everything you do
or say to me because of Nathan and what he did.
It’ll break us apart. It’ll end us.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t even think about it.”
I smoothed his knit brow with strokes of my
thumb. “I wish I could’ve never told you. I wish you
didn’t have to know.”
He caught my hand and pressed my fingertips
to his lips. “I have to know everything, every part of
you, inside and out, every detail.”
“A woman has to have some secrets,” I teased.
“You won’t have any with me.” He captured me
by my hair and an arm banded around my hips,
urging me against him, reminding me—as if I
could forget—that he was still inside me. “I’m
going to possess you, Eva. It’s only fair since
you’ve possessed me.”
“And what about your secrets, Gideon?”
His face smoothed into an emotionless mask,
an act so easily accomplished I knew it had
become second nature to him. “I started from
scratch when I met you. Everything I thought I was,
everything I thought I needed…” He shook his
head. “We’re figuring out who I am together.
You’re the only one who knows me.”
But I didn’t. Not really. I was figuring him out,
learning him bit by bit, but he was still a mystery to
me in so many ways.
“Eva…If you just tell me what you want—” His
throat worked on a swallow. “I can get better at
this, if you give me the chance. Just don’t…don’t
give up on me.”
Jesus. He could shred me so easily. A few
words, a desperate look, and I was cut wide open.
I touched his face, his hair, his shoulders. He
was as broken as I was, in a way I didn’t yet know
about. “I need something from you, Gideon.”
“Anything. Just tell me what it is.”
“Every day, I need you to tell me something I
don’t know about you. Something insightful, no
matter how small. I need you to promise me that
you will.”
Gideon eyed me warily. “Whatever I want?”
I nodded, unsure of myself and what I hoped to
get out of him.
He exhaled harshly. “Okay.”
I kissed him softly, a silent show of thanks.
Nuzzling his nose against mine, he asked,
“Let’s go out to dinner. Or do you want to order
in?”
“Are you sure we should go out?”
“I want to go on a date with you.”
There was no way I could say no to that, not
when I knew what a big step it was for him. A big
step for both of us, really, since the last time we’d
gone on a date it’d ended in disaster. “Sounds
romantic. And irresistible.”
His joyful smile was my reward, as was the
shower we took to clean up. I loved the intimacy of
washing his body as much as I loved the feel of
his palms gliding over me. When I took his hand
and put it between my legs, urging two of his
fingers inside me, I saw the familiar and very
welcome heat in his eyes as he felt the slick
essence he’d left behind.
He kissed me and murmured, “Mine.”
Which prompted me to slide both hands over
his cock and whisper the same claim back to him.
In the bedroom, I lifted my new blue dress off
the bed and hugged it to me. “You picked this out,
Gideon?”
“I did, yes. Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful.” I smiled. “My mother said you
had excellent taste…except for your preference
for brunettes.”
He glanced at me just before his very fine, very
firm naked ass disappeared into his massive
walk-in closet. “What brunettes?”
“Ooh, nicely done.”
“Look in the top drawer on the right,” he called
out. Was he trying to distract me from thinking about
all the brunettes he’d been photographed with—
including Magdalene?
I left the dress on the bed and opened the
drawer. Inside were a dozen Carine Gilson
lingerie sets, all in my size, in a wide range of
colors. There were also garters and silk stockings
still in their packages.
I looked up at Gideon as he reappeared with
his clothes in hand. “I have a drawer?”
“You have three in the dresser and two in the
bathroom.”
“Gideon.” I smiled. “Working up to a drawer
usually takes a few months.”
“How would you know?” He laid his clothes on
the bed. “You’ve lived with a man other than
Cary?”
I shot him a look. “Having a drawer isn’t living
with someone.”
“That’s not an answer.” He walked over and
brushed me gently aside to grab a pair of boxer
briefs.
Sensing his withdrawal and darkening mood, I
replied before he moved away. “I haven’t lived
with any other men, no.”
Leaning over, Gideon pressed a brusque kiss
to my forehead before returning to the bed. He
paused at the footboard with his back to me. “I
want this relationship to mean more to you than
any others you’ve had.”
“It does. By far.” I tightened the knot of the towel
between my breasts. “I’m struggling with that a
little. It’s become important so quickly. Maybe too
quickly. I keep thinking it’s too good to be true.”
Turning, he faced me. “Maybe it is. If so, we
deserve it.”
I went to him and let him pull me into his arms. It
was where I wanted to be more than anywhere
else.
He pressed a kiss to the crown of my head. “I
can’t stand the thought that you’re waiting for this
to end. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? That’s
what you sound like.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We just have to make you feel secure.” He ran
his fingers through my hair. “How do we do that?”
I hesitated a moment, then went for it. “Would
you go to couples therapy with me?”
The stroking of his fingers paused. He stood
silently for a moment, breathing deeply.
“Just think about it,” I suggested. “Maybe look
into it, see what it’s about.”
“Am I doing this wrong? You and me? Am I
fucking it up that much?”
I pulled back to look at him. “No, Gideon. You’re
perfect. Perfect for me, anyway. I’m crazy about
you. I think you’re—”
He kissed me. “I’ll do it. I’ll go.”
I loved him in that moment. Wildly. And the
moment after that. And all through the ride to what
turned out to be a dazzling, intimate dinner at
Masa. We were one of only three parties in the
restaurant and Gideon was greeted by name on
sight. The food we were served was otherworldly
good and the wine too expensive to think about or
I wouldn’t have been able to swallow it. Gideon
was darkly charismatic; his charm was relaxed
and seductive.
I felt beautiful in the dress he’d chosen and my
mood was light. He knew the worst of what there
was to know about me, but he was still with me.
His fingertips caressed my shoulder…drew
circles on my nape…slid down my back. He
kissed my temple and nuzzled beneath my ear,
his tongue lightly touching the sensitive skin.
Beneath the table, his hand squeezed my thigh
and cupped the back of my knee. My entire body
vibrated with awareness of him. I wanted him so
badly I ached.
“How did you meet Cary?” he asked, eyeing me
over the lip of his wineglass.
“Group therapy.” I set my hand over his to still its
upward slide on my leg, smiling at the
mischievous glimmer in his eyes. “My dad’s a cop
and he’d heard of this therapist who supposedly
had mad skills with wild kids, which I was. Cary
was seeing Dr. Travis, too.”
“Mad skills, huh?” Gideon smiled.
“Dr. Travis isn’t like any other therapist I’ve ever
met. His office is an old gymnasium he converted.
He had an open door policy with ‘his kids’ and
hanging out there was more real to me than lying
on a couch. Plus he had a no-bullshit rule. It was
straight up honesty both ways or he’d get pissed.
I’ve always liked that about him, that he cared
enough to get emotional.”
“Did you choose SDSU because your dad’s in
Southern California?”
My mouth twisted wryly as he revealed another
bit of knowledge about me that I hadn’t given him.
“How much have you dug up on me?”
“Whatever I could find.”
“Do I want to know how extensive that is?”
He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the
back. “Probably not.”
I shook my head, exasperated. “Yes, that’s why I
attended SDSU. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time
with my dad while I was growing up. Plus my
mother was smothering me to death.”
“And you never told your dad about what
happened to you?”
“No.” I rolled the stem of my wineglass between
my fingers. “He knows I was an angry
troublemaker with self-esteem issues, but he
doesn’t know about Nathan.”
“Why not?”
“Because he can’t change what happened.
Nathan was lawfully punished. His father paid a
large sum for damages. Justice was served.”
Gideon spoke coolly. “I disagree.”
“What more can you expect?”
He drank deeply before replying. “It’s not fit to
describe over dinner.”
“Oh.” Because that sounded ominous,
especially when paired with the ice of his gaze, I
returned my attention to the food in front of me.
There was no menu at Masa, only omakase, so
every bite was a surprise delight, and the dearth
of patrons made it seem almost as if we had the
whole place to ourselves.
After a moment, he said, “I love watching you
eat.”
I shot him a look. “What’s that supposed to
mean?”
“You eat with gusto. And your little moans of
pleasure make me hard.”
I bumped my shoulder into his. “By your own
admission, you’re always hard.”
“Your fault,” he said, grinning, which made me
grin, too.
Gideon ate with more deliberation than I did
and didn’t bat an eye at the astronomical check.
Before we stepped outside, he slid his jacket
over my shoulders and said, “Let’s go to your gym
tomorrow.”
I glanced at him. “Yours is nicer.”
“Of course it is. But I’ll go wherever you like.”
“Someplace without helpful trainers named
Daniel?” I asked sweetly.
He looked at me with an arched brow and a wry
curving of his lips. “Watch yourself, angel. Before I
think of a suitable consequence for mocking my
possessiveness where you’re concerned.”
I noted he didn’t threaten me with a spanking
again. Did he understand that administered pain
with sex was a major trigger for me? It took me
back to a mental place I never wanted to return to.
On the ride back to Gideon’s place, I curled into
him in the back of the Bentley, my legs slung over
one of his thighs and my head on his shoulder. I
thought about the ways Nathan’s abuse still
affected my life—my sex life in particular.
How many of those ghosts could Gideon and I
exorcise together? After that brief glimpse of toys
I’d seen in the hotel room drawer, it was clear he
was more experienced and sexually adventurous
than I was. And the pleasure I’d derived from the
ferocity of his lovemaking on the couch earlier
proved to me that he could do things to me no one
else could.
“I trust you,” I whispered.
His arms tightened around me. With his lips in
my hair, he murmured, “We’re going to be good
for each other, Eva.”
When I fell asleep in his arms later that night, it
was with those words in my head.
“Don’t…No. No, don’t…. Please.”
Gideon’s cries had me jackknifing up in the
bed, my heart thudding violently. I fought for
breath, glancing wild-eyed at the man thrashing
next to me.
He snarled like a feral beast, his hands fisted
and his legs kicking restlessly. I moved back,
afraid he’d strike out at me unknowingly in his
dreams.
“Get off of me,” he panted.
“Gideon! Wake up.”
“Get…off…” His hips arched upward with a hiss
of pain. He hovered there, teeth gritted, his back
bowed as if the bed was on fire beneath him.
Then he collapsed, the mattress jolting as he
bounced off of it.
“Gideon.” I reached for the bedside lamp, my
throat burning. I couldn’t reach it, had to throw the
tangled blankets off to get closer. Gideon was
writhing in agony, thrashing so violently he shook
the bed.
The room lit up in a sudden flare of illumination.
I turned toward him…
And found him masturbating with shocking
viciousness.
His right hand gripped his cock with white
knuckled force, pumping brutally fast. His left hand
clenched the fitted sheet. Torment and pain
twisted his beautiful face.
Fearing for his safety, I shoved his shoulder with
both hands. “Gideon, goddamn it. Wake up!”
My scream broke through the nightmare. His
eyes flew open and he jerked upright, his eyes
darting frantically.
“What?” he gasped, his chest heaving. His face
was flushed, his lips and cheeks red with arousal.
“What is it?”
“Jesus.” I shoved my hands through my hair and
slid out of bed, snatching up the black robe I’d
hung over the footboard.
What was in his mind? What could make
someone have such violently sexual dreams?
My voice shook. “You were having a nightmare.
You scared the hell out of me.”
“Eva.” He looked down at his erection and his
color darkened with shame.
I stared at him from my safe place by the
window, tying the sash of my robe with a yank.
“What were you dreaming about?”
He shook his head, his gaze lowered with
humiliation, a vulnerable posture I didn’t know or
recognize in him. It was as if someone else had
taken over Gideon’s body. “I don’t know.”
“Bullshit. Something’s in you, something’s
eating at you. What is it?”
He rallied visibly as his brain struggled free of
sleep. “It was just a dream, Eva. People have
them.”
I stared at him, hurt blooming that he would take
that tone with me, as if I was being irrational.
“Screw you.”
His shoulders squared, and he tugged the
sheet over his lap. “Why are you mad?”
“Because you’re lying.”
His chest expanded on a deep breath; then he
released it in a rush. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a
headache gathering strength. My eyes stung with
the need to cry for him, to cry for whatever torment
he’d once lived through. And to cry for us,
because if he didn’t let me in, our relationship had
nowhere to go.
“One more time, Gideon: what were you
dreaming about?”
“I don’t remember.” He ran a hand through his
hair and slid his legs off the edge of the bed. “I
have some business on my mind and it’s probably
keeping me up. I’m going to work in my home
office for a while. Come back to bed, and try to
get some sleep.”
“There were a few right answers to that
question, Gideon. ‘Let’s talk about it tomorrow’
would’ve been one. ‘Let’s talk about it over the
weekend’ would’ve been another. And even ‘I’m
not ready to talk about it’ would be okay. But you
have some nerve acting like you don’t know what
I’m talking about while speaking to me like I’m
unreasonable.”
“Angel—”
“Don’t.” My arms wrapped around my waist.
“Do you think it was easy telling you about my
past? Do you think it was painless cutting myself
open and letting the ugliness spill out? It would’ve
been simpler to cut you off and date someone
less prominent. I took the risk because I want to
be with you. Maybe someday you’ll feel the same
way about me.”
I left the room.
“Eva! Eva, damn it, come back here. What’s
wrong with you?”
I walked faster. I knew how he felt: the sickness
in the gut that spread like cancer, the helpless
anger, and the need to curl up in private and find
the strength to shove the memories back into the
deep dark hole they still lived in.
It wasn’t an excuse for lying or deflecting the
blame onto me.
I snatched my purse off the chair where I’d
dropped it on the way in from dinner and I rushed
out the front door into the foyer to the elevator. The
car doors were closing with me inside when I saw
him step into the living room through the open
front door. His nakedness ensured he couldn’t
come after me, while the look in his eyes ensured
I wouldn’t stay. He’d donned his mask again, that
striking implacable face that kept the world a safe
distance away.
Shaking, I leaned heavily against the brass
handrail for support. I was torn between my
concern for him, which urged me to stay, and my
hard-won knowledge, which assured me that his
coping strategy wasn’t one I could live with. The
road to recovery for me was paved with hard
truths, not denials and lies.
Swiping at my wet cheeks when I passed the
third floor, I took deep breaths and collected
myself before the doors opened on the lobby
level.
The doorman whistled down a passing cab for
me and was such a consummate professional that
he acted like I was dressed for work rather than
sporting bare feet and a black dressing gown. I
thanked him sincerely.
And I was so grateful to the cabbie for getting
me home quickly that I tipped him well and didn’t
care about the furtive looks I got from my own
doorman and the front desk staffer. I didn’t even
care about the look I got from the stunning,
statuesque blonde who stepped out of the
elevator I was waiting for, until I smelled Cary’s
cologne on her and realized the T-shirt she was
wearing was one of his.
She took in my half-dressed state with an
amused glance. “Nice robe.”
“Nice shirt.”
The blonde took off with a smirk.
When I reached my floor, I found Cary lounging
in the open doorway in a robe of his own.
He straightened and opened his arms to me.
“Come here, baby girl.”
I walked straight into him and hugged him tight,
smelling a woman’s perfume and hard sex all over
him. “Who’s the chick that just left?”
“Another model. Don’t worry about her.” He
drew me into the apartment, and shut and locked
the door. “Cross called. He said you were
heading back and he has your keys. He wanted to
be sure I was here and awake to let you in. For
what it’s worth, he sounded torn up and anxious.
You wanna talk about it?”
Setting my purse down on the breakfast bar, I
went into the kitchen. “He had another nightmare.
A really bad one. When I asked him about it he
denied, he lied, then he acted like I was nuts.”
“Ah, the classics.”
The phone started ringing. I flicked the switch
on the base that turned the ringer off and Cary did
the same to the handset he’d left on the counter.
Then I pulled out my smartphone, closed the alert
that said I’d missed numerous calls from Gideon,
and sent him a text message; Home safe. Hope
you sleep well the rest of the night.
I powered the phone off and tossed it back in
my purse; then I grabbed a bottle of water from the
fridge. “The kicker is that I told him all my junk
earlier tonight.”
Cary’s brows shot up. “So you did it. How’d he
take it?”
“Better than I had any right to expect. Nathan
ought to hope they never run into each other.” I
finished the bottle. “And Gideon agreed to the
couples counseling you suggested. I thought we’d
turned a corner. Maybe we did, but we hit a brick
wall anyway.”
“You seem okay, though.” He leaned into the
breakfast bar. “No tears. Really calm. Should I be
worried?”
I rubbed my belly to ease the fear that had
rooted there. “No, I’ll be all right. I just…I want it to
work out between us. I want to be with him, but
lying about serious issues is a deal breaker for
me.”
God. I couldn’t let myself even consider that we
might not get past this. I was already feeling antsy.
The need to be with Gideon was a frantic beat in
my blood.
“You’re a tough cookie, baby girl. I’m proud of
you.” He came to me, linked our arms, and turned
off the kitchen lights. “Let’s crash and start a new
day when we wake up.”
“I thought things were going well with you and
Trey.”
His grin was glorious. “Honey, I think I’m in
love.”
“With who?” I leaned my cheek against his
shoulder. “Trey or the blonde?”
“Trey, silly. The blonde just provided a workout.”
I had a lot to say about that, but it wasn’t the
time to get into Cary’s history of sabotaging his
own happiness. And maybe focusing on how
good things were with Trey was the best way to
handle this instance of it. “So you’ve finally fallen
for a good guy. We should celebrate.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
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